Mr. Fantasy Week 1

By Michael Weber- Semolina Pilchards

 

Hello again, fellow Fantasy Football brethren.  It’s time for another season of Mr. Fantasy’s football predictions.  Before we get on to the festivities of ranking each matchup this week as well as each team’s overall look after the draft and finally predicting the final records, I am going to provide you a glimpse of the mind of the Semolina Pilchards during the draft.

 

Before giving you my expert analysis on how shitty all of your teams will be, I want to thank each and every owner who was at the draft.  In the five years of the DTFFL’s existence,  THIS WAS THE MOST FUN, MOST SMACK-TALKING DRAFT we have ever had!  Special mention must go to the two most active smack-talkin’ teams, the Undertakers and TBFC.  Thanks to both teams for making this draft so enjoyable.  Since I was able to negotiate the trophy engraving for free by providing a trade of computer repair services, I am going to take all money that was paid towards the trophy engraving ($5 or $6 I think), and make that  a special award for THE BEST SMACK-TALKIN’ TEAM AT NEXT YEARS DRAFT.  At next year’s break, the league will vote on which team was the best smack-talker during the first half of the draft.  That team will receive one free-agent move during the season ON THE LEAGUE!  So start prepping now, for some super smack-talk next year!  Again, thanks to all the teams for this years excellent draft.  Special mention goes to the Dragon Slayers who were the third best smack talking

team.  (Mr. Fantasy Pick Sheet below the article, “Inside the Head of the Pilchards Coach”.)

 

Coach Status at Draft

 

#1 buzzed Coach:  Dragon Slayers- glassy eyes by the time the draft ended. 

Most relaxed Coach:  Show me the Money- slumped lower and lower in his chair as the draft went on.  By the end, he almost couldn’t be seen over the desk.

Super Smack Talk Coach:  Undertakers-  Buy my book for $19.95.  Read Chapter 56.  It’s called “Your Team Sucks!”.

Funniest Coach:  TBFC- My jaw is still sore from laughing.  This guy needs his own team helmet next year!

 

Inside the Head of the Semolina Pilchards Coach

 

The thoughts of a coach as he goes through the draft.  Keep in mind that I offered repeatedly to get coach’s beers at the draft.  By the end of the draft, there may have been as many as five coach’s who were feeling rather special.  You know how when you drink a lot, the ugliest girl can look like a 10?  Well, that’s how the team judgments ended up at the end of the draft.  Sure, the Bengals defense looks real purty after you had a few brews!  Anyway, off we go.

 

here is a summary of my thoughts in the pilchards draft.  i reviewed all the past drafts and strangely enough found out that each team that won the fantasy bowl picked a wr with their first pick.  so maybe tnt has a good chance to win this year.  at any rate, i had really wanted the edge as the pilchards first pick so i worked over the jags who picked first and got him so flustered that he picked culpepper first.  so the pilchards got edge.  if he had taken edge, i would have taken faulk.  i joined three online leagues and drafted in different ways to find out how i got the best players as well as i reviewed our prior drafts for information.  i found that playoff teams usually picked a qb,rb and wr in the first three picks.  also online, i found that i ended up with the best overall team when i adhered to that strategy.  so that is the way i went in the draft.  i also attempted to use value as a basis.  overall, i think the draft went pretty well for the pilchards.  to check out ratings on our players, go to www.fanball.com and www.footballguys.com .

The Draft

so like i said, i worked over the jags to get us edge.  SO THE NUMBER 1 PICK FOR THE PILCHARDS WAS EDGERRIN JAMES.  since the jags had taken a qb, i knew i could wait until the third round and have first crack at the best available qb.  so in the second, right before the pilchards pick, c&d took rod smith.  well that left what i believe to be a better player.  THE NUMBER 2 PICK WAS ISSAC BRUCE.  i wanted the best available qb, and 7 had gone already in the first two rounds.  the player we have for qb played in 8 games last year and threw for 2200 yards and 16 td's.  OUR THIRD PICK IS KANSAS CITY QB'S, TRENT GREEN.  i had considered aaron brooks (new orleans) but thought that green has tremendous potential.  I also had considered rich gannon who was available, but based on taking Beurlein last year, I was a bit scared off by his age.  Granted the raiders are much better than the panthers.  I guess I’ll know at the end of the season if I made the right move or not.   remember, grbac had a great year in kc last year and it is basically the same team except dick vermeil is the coach now.  and he has told green to air it out and not worry about interceptions according to fanball.

at this point, since we had a core in place, i wanted to go for what i though were the best players at the skill positions of rb and wr.  i wanted to fill in our starters and probably even the 3rd string players at these positions.  let the others take kickers and d's in the 5th, 6th, 7th, and so on rounds.  even though i waited on kickers and defenses, our starters at those positions i think are pretty good.  and oh by the way, i didn't forget about that obligatory giant on our team.

THE FOURTH ROUND PICK IS JIMMY SMITH.  he had a good preseason and is completely recovered from injury (i hope).  remember having keenan mccardell and lusting over jimmy smith when he would constantly blow away keenan’s stats?  at this point, i knew we needed another strong starting running back, and i took a bit of a risk.  WITH THE FIFTH PICK I TOOK LADAINAIN TOMLINSON the rookie first round pick for san diego.  i really think they may do alright this year with flutie.  remember when we had the best running back, td and took fred taylor in the 12th as a sleeper?  what a year we had for our backs.  if we are lucky, ej will be the best back this year and tomlinson will be the offensive rookie of the year, like taylor was.  unfortunately, rookie rb's are no longer sleepers, but hopefully a fifth round pick will end up being worth it for him.

IN THE SIXTH ROUND I TOOK THE LAST STARTING FIRST STRINGER WIDEOUT FROM A DECENT TEAM- WAYNE CHREBET.  remember, he IS NOT a starter.  he is our 3rd stringer.  i don't think that is too bad.  in the end of the sixth the jags
took olandis gary from denver.  so with our next pick (2nd overall in the seventh round), IN THE SEVENTH ROUND I TOOK MIKE ANDERSON.  while he would technically be the 3rd stringer, if we are lucky, he will be named the #2 back in denver (i think td will be named the #1) and td will get hurt and anderson will play.  if that happens and tomlinson is as good as i hope, we may have some serious trade bait.  (Mr. Fantasy Note:  Apparently Coach Shannahan of the Broncos made some kind of cryptic remark that Mike Anderson will be the third string back since he is better at special teams.  At this point it appears that the pilchards must hope he gets traded to another team.  Or that both davis and gary end up out for the season.  Hummmm, doubtful)

in the EIGHTH ROUND, I TOOK OUR 4TH STRING BACK, TIM BIAKABATUKA.  he was the last starter who will not be platooned.  i thought about taking another rookie sleeper but decided against it at this point.

in the 7th, 8th, and 9th rounds, kickers and d's were really starting to move.  i think i lucked out WITH THE NINTH ROUND PICK BY GETTING JEFF WILKINS, the rams kicker.  IN THE 10TH ROUND, I ABSOLUTELY STOLE FROM UNDERFOOT, THE NY GIANTS DEFENSE.  by this time i think 10 d's had already gone before me.  i think that the giants may have an incredible d this year if the front four can stay healthy and consistently perform.

IN THE ELEVENTH ROUND, I SELECTED A SLEEPER ON MY LIST.  I TOOK MARVIN (SNOOP) MINNIS.  he is a rookie from kc who was named the starting receiver with derrick alexander.  he was absolutely incredible during the preseason, not that that means anything.

in the last three rounds, i needed to get us another kicker, defense and qb and then the draft would end.  i fucked up and didn't have a sheet with bye's and taking the best available kicker, got one who will be off on the same week as wilkins.  what a doofus i am.  (at least it’s not so bad since TNT did the same thing.  Maybe we will trade kickers for a couple of weeks).  oh well.  WITH THE 12TH PICK I TOOK GARY ANDERSON, THE MINNESOTA KICKER.  maybe he will do well and we can trade him.  IN THE 13TH ROUND, I TOOK OUR BACKUP QB, ATLANTA.  there was really nobody left at that point.  hopefully the week we have to play them, they play a team with a crappy defense.  WITH THE FINAL 14TH ROUND PICK, I TOOK THE NE ENGLAND DEFENSE.  there wasn't much left again because that was the second to last pick in the entire draft.  (jags had the last pick).  all in all, on paper, the team seems to be decent.

OUR STARTERS:
        QB- TRENT GREEN
        RB- EDGERRIN JAMES
        RB- L. TOMLINSON
        WR- ISAAC BRUCE
        WR- JIMMY SMITH
        K-  JEFF WILKINS
        D-  NY GIANTS

OUR BENCH
        QB- CHRIS CHANDLER
        RB- MIKE ANDERSON
        RB- T. BIAKABATUKA
        WR- WAYNE CHREBET
        WR- MARVIN (SNOOP) MINNIS- btw:  this is a tandem with trent green
        K-  GARY ANDERSON - will need to be cut or traded
        D-  NE PATRIOTS

 

 

Mr. Fantasy’s Picks

 

Each week, the Commish is hoping a different team will write up the Mr. Fantasy report.  Next week, TBFC are up.  Reports due on early Saturday, before 11:30 am.

 

Suicide Kings –4 vs. Jaguars

 

On paper both of these teams appear to be pretty evenly matched.  Based on the QB strength, both of these teams should be able to make the Playoffs.  The Jaguars throw their first pick of Minny QB against the Kings Qb, Indy.  This is probably a big edge for the Jags, considering Minny is going against the Panthers this week.  The RB’s are pretty equal, however the edge has to go to the Kings with Bennett and Staley going up against Dillon and Emmitt Smith.  Dillon gets all his stats in six games and absolutely sucks for the other ten in the past several years.  I don’t see Emmitt Smith doing much since there is no real QB on the Dallas team.  WR edge also goes to the Kings with Holt and Stokley going up against Carter and Toomer.  Granted Carter looks good on paper, but during the preseason you may have noticed every pass went Moss’s way.  This may mean nothing, but it bears watching.  Kickers and Defense- who knows.  Suicide Kings beat the Jaguars with a score of 100- 96.

 

 

Show Me the Money –12 vs. Dragon Slayers

 

Both teams made some risky and questionable moves at various positions.  The good news is that one of these teams will probably win this week, although it is possible they could tie.  Show Me seems to have a huge advantage against the Slayers at QB with St. Louis going up against Green Bay.  I don’t know about you, but Favre has really dropped off the past few years and Freeman is also a very questionable player.  So Favre does not have a great receiving core.  Slayers appear to have the edge at the RB position with Martin and Stewart going up against Waters and Alstott, who may turn out to be the bust of the year.  WR goes Show Me’s way with Owens and TE Sharpe going up against Freeman (already discussed him) and Muhammad who has a rookie QB throwing to him.  Kickers and Defense are fairly evenly matched.  The magic 8 ball says Show Me wins 84-72 against the Slayers.

 

What’s the Point –2 vs. Undertakers

 

Pilchards were forced to pick the first two picks for the Undertakers since the Coach didn’t show up on time for the draft.  (Memo to the Undertakers- Read my Book.  Chapter 2- How to tell time so you can get to the draft on time.)    So Pilchards were nice guys and gave the Undertakers two great picks.  Of course, once the Undertakers got to the draft, they selected Steve McNair as their backup QB in the 4th round!  (Memo to the Undertakers- Read my Book, Chapters 22 and 33- Why you don’t use your 4th pick on a backup QB and 101 and 1 reasons not to draft Steve McNair.)  At any rate, the QB matchup goes the Undertakers way with Garcia vs. Kordell Stewart.  Nuff said.  At the RB position, Point seem slightly better with Fred Taylor and Ahman Green vs. Stephen Davis and Tiki Barber.  At WR, the Point seem to be extremely strong.  They throw Keyshawn Johnson and Derrick Alexander up at Hakim (Memo to the Undertakers- Read my Book, Chapter 17- Why you don’t use your third pick on a third string WR) and Jerry Rice or Marcus Robinson (may be out).  Edge goes to the Undertakers at Kicker and Defense.  Either way, the Point should be strong enough to beat the Undertakers 82-80.

 

Sandbaggers –3 vs. Semolina Pilchards

 

Every year the Sandbaggers load up on Denver Players and in Year 1 it paid of big time with a Fantasy Bowl Championship.  This year, they again have monopolized the Denver Team.  Pilchards made some smart moves, some stupid moves, and some risky moves.  It will take a couple of weeks to see how this team is.  Sandbaggers have the big edge at QB with proven Griese going up against Trent Green.  Who knows how good Green will be.  RB edge probably goes the Pilchards way with Edge and Tomlinson going up against Terrell Davis and Garrison Hearst.  Only time will tell if Tomlinson was worth the 5.02 pick.  Pilchards seem extremely strong at WR with Bruce and Jimmy Smith going up against the Sandbaggers extremely strong Moulds and McCaffrey.  This is an even matchup.  Sandbaggers again have the edge at Kicker and Defense.  Sandbaggers send the Pilchards to yet another loss with a 97-94 victory.

 

Mighty Caesars –6 vs C&D TD Makers

 

Caesars enter their first year in the league and seem to have a good team while C&D again went with their heart.  QB Matchup goes the Caesars way with McNabb going up against Testaverde.  As far as RB’s go, again the Caesars have the edge.  C&D have Faulk who is great but Garner will be a platoon player.  Caesars pit Ricky Williams and Jerome Bettis against C&D.  WR goes C&D’s way with Tim Brown and Michael Westbrook up against Rod Smith and Coles unless C&D plays the new third string Germane Crowell (demoted last night).  Kicker and Defense are even here.  Caesars enter the league with a win as they beat C&D, 91-85.

 

TNT Explosion –4 vs. TBFC

 

Both teams did well in the draft, but TNT have the special edge.  Every year the Fantasy Bowl has been won in the DTFFL, the team picked a WR with their first pick.  Even though TBFC will probably lose in Week 1, they may not lose another game the rest of the year.  The QB matchup is even with Brooks going up against Gannon.  At RB, TBFC has the edge with Eddie George and Warrick Dunn going up against Jamal Anderson and Lamar Smith.  At WR, TNT has the tremendous edge with Randy Moss and TE Gonzalez going up against Harrison and Horn.  I’m sorry, but even though TBFC throws some great WR’s out in this game, Mr. Fantasy believes Randy Moss is equal to 4 Receivers.  Kicking and Defense are even.  TNT wins this week beating TBFC 107-103 and winning the weekly high score.